Ever Emerging

25 Years Later

Last week, a text from my Mom put me into a space of deep reflection.

Most of the message was typical chat. However, at the end she noted: “Watched a big segment on The Today Show about the 25th anniversary of Columbine.”

My heart sank. My stomach clenched.
I looked at the calendar . . . April 19.

How could it be that the next day, so seared into my being, had not yet registered?

​How’s it possible that 25 years have passed?

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“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly,
but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
~ Maya Angelou

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A National Tragedy
Its Personal Teachings
My friends,

Some of you knew me back in the day when I was teaching English. 

And, you may even remember that I spent part of my 20’s in Colorado teaching and coaching.

When I moved back to Michigan in 2000, I simplified how I talked about the Colorado years. I loved living in Golden. The sunshine! The easy access to the mountains! The phenomenal staff I worked with at Lakewood High School and the deep friendships that were forged. The opportunity to coach both high school and college diving. Yes, I loved teaching in the International Baccalaureate (IB) program. Yes, I miss the mountains. 🏔️

All entirely true. But, not the story in its entirety.

Much to my astonishment, the salary for a high school diving coach in Jefferson County Public Schools in the mid - late 1990’s was $200. For the entire season. 6:00 AM practices, after school practices, all day Saturday swim meets, the longest of any athletic season . . . $200. I used to joke that by time I bought my own team t-shirt and splurged for pizzas to feed my divers after a practice, I was already losing money for my efforts. 🤣

One of my attempts to bolster my earnings was to coach for multiple high schools.. Most of the schools did not have their own pools, so several of the Jefferson County High Schools (there were 16 or 17 in the district at the time?) practiced at community pools. And, because there aren’t tons of people who come out for diving, I was able to coach for three different high schools at the same time.

Yes, it did make it challenging to know which team t-shirt to wear at the meets, but this way . . . all three of these schools had a coach, and I tripled my income. 😀

Tuesday, April 20, 1999 started out like any other busy teaching day.  

And at first, the reports of something going wrong at nearby Columbine High School (11 miles down the road) didn’t seem very significant.

And then, bit by bit, moment by horrible moment, the tragedy unfolded.

The uncertainty.
The disbelief.
The fear.
The anguish.
The suffering.
The shock.
The helplessness.

It nearly swallowed me whole.

But what about all the people impacted in far worse ways?

I didn’t see the shooters. Nor hear the gunshots. Nor smell the smoke or see the bloodshed. I didn’t have to try and save my students nor crouch in fear.

The news coverage was relentless. I needed to stop watching but couldn’t look away. All of my divers were physically unharmed. Swimmers too. My friend and colleague who could. not. breathe finally heard from her husband. He was safe. He had both shooters in his class.

12 students. 1 teacher. Both shooters. Dead.

24 more physically injured.

The deadliest school massacre on record at the time.

Thousands of lives forever changed.

Wednesday, April 21, 1999 was a stunningly beautiful Colorado spring day. The brightest blue sky. Warm sun. It all felt so cruel. School was canceled. How to pass the day? Watch more of it on television? Gather together in grief?

Thursday, April 22, 1999, back to school. But . . .how?

When an individual, or a family, in a school community suffers a tremendous loss, that loss impacts the entire building.

But what do you do when every single person throughout the community is reeling from the same gigantic loss? How do you help one another when you are all in shock?

1st period. Pre-IB English. My students come to Lakewood from throughout the district. All have multiple direct connections to Columbine. I push our desks aside. We sit in a circle. My students look at me with so much pain, and so many questions, through tear-filled eyes. They begin to share. We pass the tissues around and around. I have no answers. I am 29 years old.

The remainder of that school year is a blur.

Every day, every moment, I tried to soothe and support my students.
I tried to uplift those around me.

I did not recognize, or attend to, my own pain.

Why?

Because so many people were far more impacted.
They are the ones who need / deserve the love, the care, the help, the support. (Read, I did not feel worthy, or deserving, of love, care, and support.)

So, after the next school year, when I moved back to Michigan, I left my Columbine High School Swimming and Diving shirt behind. Somehow, I thought I could magically leave behind the pain as well.

It has taken me these 25 years to process thoroughly enough to write to you today.

Here’s what I now know:

• there is no hierarchy when it comes to suffering;
• when a community is traumatized, the ripples are far and wide;
• grieving may look, sound, and move differently; it is indeed grief;
• gun violence is the leading cause of death for American children;
• in the first few months of this calendar year, there have been at least 16 school shootings;
• most American school children are trained in active shooter drills;
• every single person connected to gun violence is impacted;
• unlike a shirt, it is impossible to box up your pain;
• when pain is ignored, it amplifies its voice and finds a way to the surface;
• the way pain surfaces may not appear connected to its root source;
• our pain will continue surfacing until it is tended to;
• there is SO MUCH we can do to heal ourselves;
• every single person is worthy of love, care, and support. Myself included;
• we rarely, if ever, tell our entire stories; be kind to your fellow travelers;
• there is no hierarchy of suffering.
  
  

Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being a source of light.

~ m 🦋

P.S. Speaking of LIGHT | Save the date for THE Summer Solstice event.
Gentle yoga & soothing sound bath along Lake Michigan. ☀️🙏🏽
Thursday, June 20 | Oval Beach | Stay tuned for more details